Monday, March 14, 2016

Shitty 2015

Almost a decade ago, I usually wrap up my previous year summary in the first month of the current year. After a decade, third month of the current year, here I am trying to wrap it up. Not that I am lost of ideas in how to wrap up the summary. But to hell with it, as we grow, there are 101 things for you to be occupied and there are 101 reasons for you to go to bed earlier, rather than contemplating in some selfish shit about your own emotions. After all, what are the importance of your emotions, as compared to the ever changing universe.

But then again, here I am at almost 1am in the morning, eyes droopy but yet holding them up, so that I can write some selfish shit about myself.

2015 was probably the worst year of my life, since hmmmm.... I dont know since when, but this 2015 year was sure shitty. Here goes the shitty stuff:-

- Got annoyed that a friend I've known for more than 10 years, was nothing but $$$ in her eyes. Fuck you that you have the nerve to ask for 50% of my commission when you know nuts about property selling and all you did was... Referred your boss to purchase the property from me. I could have easily given you come referral fees. But helllloooo...? 50%??? That's like taking rice from a beggar's plate, as the chinese saying has it. But hell, I gave it to her. Because I was desperate and she saw it in me. By the way, what kind of a friend will take advantage of you despite seeing through your desperate self. That's life man... Money is not everything. But it is almost everything.

- Slapped my bf in the face. Reason being? He was happily drinking with some colleague (girls) and he left the restaurant forgetting I was still seated inside. He refused to talk to me for more than a week. That's record breaking back then. And I had to cry my heart out to win the battle... I won but..... The victory was not happiness.

- I was in the midst of shifting house and half broken and diagnosed with UTI (sick) and the good news is... My bf is ALWAYS BUSY and COINCIDENTALLY not around when shit happen. While I was nagging him about how unhelpful he was with my house moving, he was nagging myself being too advanced in terms of planning. (Helloooo? I stayed at my old house for 5 years at a bare unit condition, seriously 2 weeks is too much ahead in terms of planning and packing? Really no idea. Best I would say is, men are from mars and women are from venus.)

- Well well well, this is the juiciest part. After moving in to the new house, I caught him red handed, cheating on me. As he claimed it was something that happened very long ago. And in his definition of very long ago, it was, if that's true at all, merely 8-9 months ago. From accounting terms, being an ex auditor, what is very long ago? Very long ago means long term. What is long term? Long term is anything that's 12 months and above. Does he qualify for the term " very long ago" ? Nope, he didn't. Anyway, whether it happens now or very long ago, betrayal is betrayal. And FYI, whatever shit that happen very long ago, I just found it out now. So.... It's totally fresh to me.

- We mend things up. We cried. We hug. We kissed. We fucked each other. We compromised. We hurt each other again. We played each other again. We mend things up again.. We fought again...  C'mon guys.. Move on! But we didn't. We went from, " Circle in the sand.. In the sand ... In the sand." If you know the song.

- Last month of the year. I did my sweet revenge. Of course not by sleeping with another man. Just posting some stuff on facebook... And turn out the result??? He said he was planning to propose to me, but just because I posted all those stuff, he had to KIV his plans. C'mon man. If you want to marry a girl for sure, you would have done the proposal with or without the presence of your friends and you would have done it with or without the whole FB circle of yours and mine knowing that you cheated on me and yet I've forgiven you but you still proposed to me. Who's the psycho here? You or me?

Fuck you Fuck 2015 and seriously, I feel like fucking myself in the face. If I had the nerve to write this, I'm still stuck. That is why I am the biggest sucker here. God... .When will I move on and let this go. Once and for all. As they say, women can forgive but not forget. That's totally true.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Go Fuck Yourself in the Face

We have been in a relationship for 3 years now. Significant events so far? Nothing but the cliche sweetness and rows.

Ups and downs we went through. We tried our best to drive each other into loving arms and we tried our best to drive each other crazy.

Well, 3 years is not a lot. These days, most of the time, I feel like telling you, go fuck yourself in the face.

What SH Choo commented was so true, from a different angle, unless this man decides to ignore you or unless you choose to ignore this man, he will forever haunt you in your life. You will just be forgiving whenever he makes a comeback to you.

For the cheating part, seriously, I don't even know what else I can do. I cried, I yelled, I hit, I revenged, I confronted, but its still this piece of stubborn shit that is edged in my mind and my heart.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

I lost the battle

Did I quit smoking? No, I didn't. Did I won the battle with him? No, I didn't.

Shameless, I called him last night, poured out my heart to him and cried as though I was a baby to him.

Did we mend things up? We did. I guess no man could take a woman crying like a baby, at least not on a frequent basis.

After the alcohol is gone, I rolled myself left and right on the bed, swearing to the empty room, 'What have you said, idiot?!?"

The next day he came over for breakfast as usual. We had sex and we went through the day as usual. I tried looking into his eyes for an answer. But I couldn't find it. All I saw in his eyes was he wanted things to be simple. And sex was simple.

A million thoughts went through my mind. A million bad thoughts went through my mind. A million bad thoughts about his sex fantasy without me went through my mind.

I must have gone crazy again.

I don't know what went wrong with our relationship. If simple is what he was referring to, simple to me, was when it all started and I had no doubt in him. But right this moment, the doubtfulness seem to stick to my mind as though it is a piece of stubborn sticker.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Bad habits

Every time I encounter an obstacle in relationship, I tell myself I would quit smoking.. Because if I can quit a 17 years bad habit, I can quit the habit of being in a relationship. Relationship, smoking or etc... It's all about comfort zone and jumping out of it... 

Have I? Obviously no... Otherwise I wouldn't been writing this but reading a book!

Tuesday, March 3, 2015


Is there a social media website that I can shout out aloud FUCK YOU and not to be seen by others whom I do not wish them to be reading? I guess the answer is NO