Sunday, March 15, 2009

Indeciveness/Fickleness

I'm such a fickle minded creature.

Last year around May 2008, I had a job which I won't say was paying me with an extravagant salary but I was beginning to see some real cash sitting in my bank account after struggling through like any fresh graduate would for a year or so. My ex-boss remembers my name and I was performing at the expected level. I was bonding pretty well with my colleagues. We have these get-together-bitching-about-bosses-happy-hour-sessions and we also have these get-together-bitching-about-clients-dinner-sessions. Ahh... life is so sweet when you found some companionship in hating certain people in your life.

But... I realised life had been too easy for me. What's life without some challenges and obstacles? I begun to lust for something that I don't have. I tendered my resignation and joined another big firm doing something different from what I was previously doing. With my discounted experience, I got myself a pay-cut. One month into the job I managed to fetch some feedback from a senior colleague which goes like this,

"You are performing below average. It's very competitive in our firm. I hope you can take this positively."

I did not give up... I was thinking to myself if I can be a lil' bit harder on myself and if I turned myself into this more hardworking, more stubborn, more work-life-imbalanced and more miserable auditor, I would finally be performing at the "expected" level.

Being the naturally big-spender, how on earth would somebody who craves travelling, shopping, drinking and eating meet months end when she is earning a mere 2.5k salary per month in KL. Not to mention the horrifying debts I owned and am still currently owning to CIMB, Alliance & HSBC. So I took up this loan of 10k to pay-off the debts, thinking that I would then manage through. But alas, I underestimated my lifestyle, it is in fact one hell of an expensive lifestyle to maintain. Yeah, I know... Say it, say that I'm just a spoilt brat who still doesn't know how to save for herself after working for like almost 3 years now.

My level of determination in doing what I thought would interest me was simply pathetic. 3 months in the job, I begun to search around for another better-paying job. Blame it on the recession rather than myself being a not very outstanding candidate, I did not manage to win the job over the interview. My next resort was to make a big u-turn back to my ex-company. But they told me that they had freeze recruitment. Hmmm...

After some arrangements made by my ex-boss, they finally offered me a come-back with a pay rise. Offer letter issued and received but I was still undecided on the career/financial move that I should make. I was inspired by my friend's joke on me: Toss the coin to decide my career. Out of desperation, I went along with his idea. The first time I tossed it, resign. The second time I tossed it, don't resign. The third time I tossed it, resign. The fourth, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh, the eighth... the list is non exhaustive. I think I tossed it so many times that I was beginning to confuse not only myself but also the poor little 50c coin and I might as well begin plucking the petals of a rose as an alternative.

Few days ago, I called up my ex-boss and told her that I won't be joining the company after all. And to think that I finally put an end to this silly hassle... I did not. Few minutes ago, I called up my ex-boss again and I asked her if it would be fine if I change my mind now. She exclaimed, "LPY!" followed by some laughter and questions. Before we hung up the phone she told me in a serious tone, "My advise to you is you should really make up your mind before calling SC(my ultimate boss) again."

I don't know what others think of me, but I'm totally blown-out by my outrageous indecisiveness, fickleness and vacillation.