Thursday, April 30, 2009

Anger at 4am

It has been quite some time since I felt this rush of anger to my head and my heart.

Somehow in the past two years, I felt that I've managed my anger quite well. Close friends whom have known me for years would have always described me as dominant, aggressive, impatient, rebellious, selfish, insensitive and hot tempered. Somehow I've never been annoyed by their comments as I was happy being who ever I was.

How did I tone down or perhaps how did I belief myself has toned down? After being single for quite some time and after being in the auditing line for quite some time again, I managed to control my anger, I believe to a certain extent. Superiors would still quote me as an impatient staff, but I'm pretty sure I've improved a lot, as compared to whom I was few years back. Maybe what they say is partly true, as we grow or as we mature, we tend to grow rational and hence controlling our own dislikes and irritation and hence the anger.

But at this moment, I really feel like bursting with betrayal, anger and irritation. Have you ever been so angry that you feel there's a flame burning in yourself? That you couldn't sit still for a second just because you are too angry? This is exactly how I feel at this moment and I wonder how should I react to this feeling of mine. Gulp it? Throw a tantrum? Raise my voice for no apparent reason? Throw things? Lay awake on the bed? Chain smoke? Pour myself another vodka? Talk through the anger with somebody? Or should I just smile to the rest of the world tomorrow as if there's nothing in this world that could bother me more.......