Thursday, April 30, 2009

Anger at 4am

It has been quite some time since I felt this rush of anger to my head and my heart.

Somehow in the past two years, I felt that I've managed my anger quite well. Close friends whom have known me for years would have always described me as dominant, aggressive, impatient, rebellious, selfish, insensitive and hot tempered. Somehow I've never been annoyed by their comments as I was happy being who ever I was.

How did I tone down or perhaps how did I belief myself has toned down? After being single for quite some time and after being in the auditing line for quite some time again, I managed to control my anger, I believe to a certain extent. Superiors would still quote me as an impatient staff, but I'm pretty sure I've improved a lot, as compared to whom I was few years back. Maybe what they say is partly true, as we grow or as we mature, we tend to grow rational and hence controlling our own dislikes and irritation and hence the anger.

But at this moment, I really feel like bursting with betrayal, anger and irritation. Have you ever been so angry that you feel there's a flame burning in yourself? That you couldn't sit still for a second just because you are too angry? This is exactly how I feel at this moment and I wonder how should I react to this feeling of mine. Gulp it? Throw a tantrum? Raise my voice for no apparent reason? Throw things? Lay awake on the bed? Chain smoke? Pour myself another vodka? Talk through the anger with somebody? Or should I just smile to the rest of the world tomorrow as if there's nothing in this world that could bother me more.......

Monday, April 20, 2009


In wee morning as they drove home, tears rolled down her cheeks. She thought those were just silent tears that would go unnoticeable. Maybe it was because of her trembling lips or maybe it was because he was watching closely, but somehow he noticed as he reached over and pull a piece of tissue for her to dry the tears on her cheeks. Out of concern or curiosity, he asked if there's anything wrong. She quickly answered no, which just adds on to the complexity. The next morning they went for their usual Sunday breakfast. As she requested, the matter was not spoken of again.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Two years of you and me

PY: So leaving tomorrow... Excited?
BT: My lifestyle will change from it. Don't know if I will get use to the two years there.
PY: You will. Time flies, two years will pass without noticing.
BT: Yup, in two years time, flying life. Hohoho
PY: In two years time, I'll be 28
BT: By 28, you'll be married.
PY: By 28, I'll be old.

I'm a lil bit scared of growing up/old.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Alcoholic Me

People who knows me well would simply describe me as an alcoholic. I drink when I'm on holiday, I drink when I'm stressed, I drink when I'm hippy and I still drink when my eyes are droopy as I type these words.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Stillness of Starbucks

It was raining cats and dogs... At Starbucks, the Curve, I took a sip of my favourite iced caramel marchiato as I watched the people around me.

At the table across mine, I saw two middle-aged women having the hard time of their life trying to settle their demanding kids. The kids seem to reach barely the age of five. I wonder to myself what are they doing with their kids in starbucks. Are children actually allowed to take coffee? Alright, I know starbucks does serve non-coffee drinks. But c'mon, starbucks and kids, not a good combination. I wondered if the day will come for me to have my own kids. I shuddered at the thought of myself being a mother. Selfish.

At the table behind mine, I saw three attractive girls in their early twenties. With their heads close to each other, I presumed they were spilling to each other some juicy gossips. I took a look at their dressing. One of them had some light make-up on, an off-shoulder blouse and a pair of super-short shorts. Her skin colour, translucent. Darn, they look hot! As compared to myself, I looked like I've just walked out of a night market. Polo t-shirt, khakis and a pair of slippers covered with dirt from everywhere. Not to mention my dull skin, after all these years of heavy smoking. Envious.

At the table next to mine, there were these negros. They were happily chatting away to each other. I heard some heavy laughter, gazing over I saw their big white teeth and their darkly chocolate skin. What a contrast! Hmm.. How come they are always so chirpy, happy and easy going? Will I ever learn to be happy with simple things in life? Complicating.

Sitting across me, my buddy was boasting to me his adventure during his backpacking in Melbourne recently. The fellow lost his passport one day before boarding the plane home to Malaysia. And he actually told me he finds it exciting, feeling a part of him has grown through the experience of himself losing the passport. Yeah, read the above three sentence again please. I bet you feel the need to roll your eyes, which was what I did to him. Childish.

I tried to be at my good manners but I just couldn't hang on to his conversation with my 100% attention. My mind was adrift somewhere else. Partly because of him, I envy that he's going through some changes for good in his life. Thinking to myself, when will I ever have the courage to do the things that I've always wanted to do in my life....... Daydreaming.