Thursday, July 15, 2010

You do? You don't? You do? You don't?

What's the worst that can happen? I barely know by this point of time. Not believing that he doesn't feel a pinch for you because by holding on stubbornly, a miracle might happen. And I shall continously live in self-deception.

Lies. I think I've lived to believe it all from you. In fact, when you failed to further conceal, all I asked for was just an apology. But you remained silent for hours which seemed to have taken forever to pass by.

The first few words that came out of your mouth was,"For whatever that has happened, please don't scold my friends for telling me about what you've blogged." I wasn't planning to in the first place. Not because I'm a forgiving person. Because I knew, that was just an excuse for yourself to walk out once and for all. I could literally hear the sound of my heart cracking, that you once again, didn't bother if this is the end.

Out of desperation, I reached out to hurt myself. You thought I was overwhelmed with TVB dramas and has therefore reached out to hurt myself. But in fact, by hurting myself physically, I think it somehow overcome the pain in my heart.

Friends have told me that perhaps I tend to live in my own world. Not bothering what others think but only believing in my own thoughts. Despite all that have been said by others, I do believe my thoughts are the true situation. You do care for me. You do? You don't? You do? You don't? This is exactly what went through my mind. But I would always conclude to myself, you do care. Maybe I could use a cold shower to wake myself up. He doesn't. Even after I typed this, I would still think to myself, maybe he does. Perhaps I need more than one cold shower. Or I need someone to slap me in the face to wake me up from this fantasy that I've created for myself.

I was practically begging for another chance from you, though at the back of my mind, I thought to myself, "What have I done wrong? Why should I even give up in something that I treasure? Isn't it how relationship are supposed to work? Despite the dramatic rows, we should always try to work things out so long as we still do feel for each other?"

Rebellious and spoilt. You quote me as that for numerous times. Sigh, if I'm spoilt why am I even holding on? I would have moved-on long time ago for someone whom will without a second-thought, but to keep me spoilt.

Why wouldn't I let go? There are times when I did, I really did. But once you showed me the tiniest sight of care, I would happily hop back into your arms, just like a puppy hungry of love and care from an owner.

And tears wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. I still remember the first time when I shed a tear for you, I thought to myself, I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't throw my wholeself to another man again. As though it was not enough from what the previous one have done to me. But god knows of what punishment he has held for me, I shed tears for you more than I thought I could.

You looked me into my eyes and tell me, "You're insane. You are real insane." If I am, I look forward to the day when sanity makes its way back to me............

And for all that I've said, none of it is new to you. You knew it all the way, but yet I couldn't figure out why you've waited so long to tell me cruelly that you don't bother and shall not bother again.