Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My heart skipped a beat

AOH : sum1 skipped a beat!
PY : Yeah.. i did i did
PY : hahah
AOH : PY siapa ?
PY : it was exactly tat kind of beat tat we were talking about..
AOH : y tersuddenly
PY : haha.. dun want to tell.. just sumone wu liao... its not possible.. just a crush only..
AOH : wu liao?
AOH : ahaha
AOH : siap aut
AOH : cleaner ah?
PY : haha.. no lar
PY : shy~
PY : dun want~
PY : hehehehhe

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Some kind of a de javu

I dreamt this during wee hours on the 9th of July...

The dream began in a public restroom. I was inside one of the stalls with open ceilings. Opposite me, I saw a peeping tom watching another woman from the top of the stall. The man gazed over to my side and spotted me watching his peering. I was frightened, rather than the peeping tom. I quickly pulled up my pants and made a quick exit from the public washroom. The man began to chase after me. Somehow in my dream, the peeping tom has now turned into a raper. I was running for my life. Terrified.

I woke up with cold sweat all over my forehead. The first person that came to my mind was him. Thought of ringing him up so that he would give me some kind of a comfort and I would be able to return to a peaceful sleep. Tried searching for my cell through the vast darkness of the room. Couldn't locate it. Resorted to return to sleep and it wasn't appropriate to wake him up during those wee hours.

The next morning, I woke up with a terrible headache and a cell which had ran out of its battery. Rushed myself to work and arriving in the office late. After I plucked in my charger, I quickly switched on my cell. Launched "what's app", looking for his routine morning greetings. Instead, I received messages which was the least of what I've expected.

While I was having the horrible dream last night, he was... I wondered if it would have been different if I did make that mid-night call to him. What difference would it make? (stupid) I would've probably ended up with an unanswered call while he was fuming there..

I felt that there were some signs behind the nightmare. Out of curiosity, I googled... "Signs of dreams" And I got these from http://www.paranormality.com/dream_dictionary_m.shtml

Man If he is misshapen and sour-visaged, you will meet disappointments and many perplexities will involve you.

Terror To dream that you feel terror at any object or happening, denotes that disappointments and loss will envelope you.

Running If you run from danger, you will be threatened with losses, and you will despair of adjusting matters agreeably.

Rape For a young woman to dream that she has been the victim of rape, foretells that she will have troubles, which will wound her pride, and her lover will be estranged.

Just thought that the whole dream was so... de javu.

Friday, July 16, 2010

A pat in the shoulder

It's good to have a pat in the shoulder when you need it absolutely. Didn't expect it coming.... Had least expected it to come from J. But it does help. Thanks.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

You do? You don't? You do? You don't?

What's the worst that can happen? I barely know by this point of time. Not believing that he doesn't feel a pinch for you because by holding on stubbornly, a miracle might happen. And I shall continously live in self-deception.

Lies. I think I've lived to believe it all from you. In fact, when you failed to further conceal, all I asked for was just an apology. But you remained silent for hours which seemed to have taken forever to pass by.

The first few words that came out of your mouth was,"For whatever that has happened, please don't scold my friends for telling me about what you've blogged." I wasn't planning to in the first place. Not because I'm a forgiving person. Because I knew, that was just an excuse for yourself to walk out once and for all. I could literally hear the sound of my heart cracking, that you once again, didn't bother if this is the end.

Out of desperation, I reached out to hurt myself. You thought I was overwhelmed with TVB dramas and has therefore reached out to hurt myself. But in fact, by hurting myself physically, I think it somehow overcome the pain in my heart.

Friends have told me that perhaps I tend to live in my own world. Not bothering what others think but only believing in my own thoughts. Despite all that have been said by others, I do believe my thoughts are the true situation. You do care for me. You do? You don't? You do? You don't? This is exactly what went through my mind. But I would always conclude to myself, you do care. Maybe I could use a cold shower to wake myself up. He doesn't. Even after I typed this, I would still think to myself, maybe he does. Perhaps I need more than one cold shower. Or I need someone to slap me in the face to wake me up from this fantasy that I've created for myself.

I was practically begging for another chance from you, though at the back of my mind, I thought to myself, "What have I done wrong? Why should I even give up in something that I treasure? Isn't it how relationship are supposed to work? Despite the dramatic rows, we should always try to work things out so long as we still do feel for each other?"

Rebellious and spoilt. You quote me as that for numerous times. Sigh, if I'm spoilt why am I even holding on? I would have moved-on long time ago for someone whom will without a second-thought, but to keep me spoilt.

Why wouldn't I let go? There are times when I did, I really did. But once you showed me the tiniest sight of care, I would happily hop back into your arms, just like a puppy hungry of love and care from an owner.

And tears wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. I still remember the first time when I shed a tear for you, I thought to myself, I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't throw my wholeself to another man again. As though it was not enough from what the previous one have done to me. But god knows of what punishment he has held for me, I shed tears for you more than I thought I could.

You looked me into my eyes and tell me, "You're insane. You are real insane." If I am, I look forward to the day when sanity makes its way back to me............

And for all that I've said, none of it is new to you. You knew it all the way, but yet I couldn't figure out why you've waited so long to tell me cruelly that you don't bother and shall not bother again.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Left and returned

The first time I've heard about you, was through friendster. And on that very first time I heard you, I secretly wished you were mine.

There after, I began stalking you on every possible chance. Building courage for myself to approach you and thinking hard to myself on ways to approach you.

Few months later, I introduced myself to you and that was when we built our bond together, strong and stronger as the days past by. And that was in year 2006.

And for all these years, you've done so much for me........ You were there for me when I failed my ACCA exam for the first time.

You were there nuturing me when my heart was broken into a thousand pieces by the first bastard in my life.

You were there to listen when most of my good friends have turned their back against me due to my bad temper.

You were there with your most sincere blessings, when I was madly in-love again.

You were there encouraging me neither to give up nor to feel inferior when I was at a lower edge of my career.

You were there listening to my endless laments of the 2nd bastard in my life.

I left you for a harsh comment from the 2nd bastard in my life.

I'm sorry that I've been mistreating you. You deserve a special place in my heart no matter how others think of you in a disapproving way. And you are ... PY's Little Blackbook. The vestigial part of me.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Some pinch of craziness on one friday afternoon

I just never learnt how to let go... My kindergarden teacher should have thought me that as my first two words, rather than A for apple and B for ball.

It got all teary and ugly. People passing by me must have thought I've gone crazy.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Promotion

Got promoted today. Which was something that I've been looking forward for a very long time.