Friday, January 10, 2014

Love or Ego. Make a choice.

I thought my heart cannot be further broken since three years ago when it was shattered to a million pieces like the lyrics of an oldies song. But surprise! That's the thing about women, we never give up in love. Though at heartbreaking times, many of us would swear to the world, swear to friends and swear to ourselves that it would be last time your heart is broken or the last time you would date a man seriously. But alas, 6 months down the road, we would have long forgotten the swears of our life.

Frankly speaking, how can a woman restrict herself from dating, with the exception of no one asking her out for a date or her invitation for a date is never accepted. I am just human. Let's be frank to myself, I am afraid of loneliness, I am afraid of boredom and I need companionship. And I am not ugly on the physical side. But I am ugly on the personality side. I'm hot tempered especially when it comes to relationship and supposedly "The One" in my life. And the stories go such as, smashing one's head with a beer bottle, smashing one's head with an ashtray and the latest would be dumping every piece of his belongings out of my house, into his face, for a reason that if you know, you would just roll your eyes. That's me. I'm possessive when I'm in love.

During the initial stage, I would tell myself that I'll take things lightly and there would be no strings attached to the man. This no-strings-attach-strategy, would only work when the other party acts the same and I would be a good player all along. But damn it! Once the man starts to promise me the stars and the moon, my heart would melt immediately. No matter how much I deny to the world that my heart melted, deep down inside, it's just an idiotic heart melting like a piece of butter on a high heat frying pan. On the naive side of me, I would think to myself, "Hey, this is my chance. My chance to finally grab a good man home who would love me with all his heart and shower me on a daily basis with nothing but tender loving care." My idiotic heart is as immature as a 12 year old girl and she still doesn't get it. Sigh... Honey, Fairy Tale doesn't exist. It's a tale... It's a story... It's not real.

I know it's not an argument that's too big to stop us from talking to each other. But as stubborn as a bull, I'm not making the first move. As much as I hope you would remember your promises, I know you wouldn't. And the first move is measured by, which is bigger? Your supposedly love of your life or your ego? I made my choice, it's my ego. No regrets. If loneliness, boredom and lack of companionship decide to stick to my life, I would embrace them with open arms (now I'm swearing to the world like I said on above, stupid..)